Last year I shared this image on my Facebook timeline without giving it any second thought. The remarks seemed so funny and, being an introvert myself, I just chuckled and pressed Share button.

why introverts are quiet

So much has changed for me since last year! My awareness of this whole idea of being an introvert had changed into something that is a lot more complicated.

When I saw this image this morning, I thought, “This would be a perfect funny for Saturday morning post!”

Yet, I didn’t re-post it. I read each section and realized I am not finding it so funny anymore.

You see, as an introvert and an empath, I care about other people’s feelings. A lot.

I decided I wanted to dissect this graphic and see why it upset me.

Statement #1 I find you very interesting, so I’d rather listen.

This would be true about an introverted heart if you just scratch it on the surface. Looking a bit deeper is, though, asking myself if this is a real reason I prefer to listen.

I am a strong woman and I am used to being reached out to when others need help, a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on. Even though my life is in hot mess express mode for the most time, I still seem to make an impression on others that I’ve got this crapshoot called life figured out.

It flatters me tremendously that others think this way about me. It also makes me not want to share my own troubles. I’d rather listen to others so I can avoid having to be vulnerable. Because vulnerability was taught to me as a weakness, not strength.

Having coffee with my very good friend the other day (you know who you are if you are reading this!), I allowed myself to be vulnerable. It was liberating and uplifting. Having a friend that can listen and support is as important as having people in your life that you can serve as well.

I won’t say I’d rather listen because I find you very interesting and that’s it.

I’d rather listen because I want to know your soul and your heart. I am listening because I want to see what is REALLY going on for you and if there is a way I can help you, I will.

I am also listening because of my own insecurities. I need to know I can trust you before I bare my soul.

Statement #2 I’m daydreaming and didn’t hear a single word you said.

This is SO NOT an introvert way! It states that I’d rather stay submerged in my own reality than talk to you. For an introvert, deep and meaningful relationships are the fuel for the thought process. If I don’t want to listen to what you have to say, you won’t find yourself in the same room with me. I know it might sound harsh.

If I am looking at you and you are talking, please, know, I am LISTENING.

Disclaimer: sometimes we find ourselves in situations when we are stuck in a place listening to someone annoying. The neighbor on an airplane. The co-worker. Even the most outgoing introvert would put the headphones on to appear too busy to support an annoying conversation.

Statement #3 My response would probably be over your head, so what’s the point?

When I read this one, I thought to myself, how bizarre! I am surrounded by introverts, I am one myself. The best teachers, speakers, and leaders are introverts. Which means we don’t just “not mind”, but we enjoy getting into more complicated concepts with others and seeing how we can break them down and bring them to the common denominator.

Unless you are Sheldon from the Big Bang, I don’t think this goes for you. By the way, Sheldon has far more complicated issues and they have nothing to do with him being an introvert!

Statement #4 I didn’t want to be here in the first place.

Now that sounds a bit passive aggressive to me. I consider myself a high-functioning introvert, some people use the term ambivert. It means that even though I can place myself in the center of attention and be quite outgoing, I still need time to recharge.

If I don’t want to be somewhere, there is no way I am going.

If you feel like an introvert that’s been pushed around into the things you don’t want to be doing, please, take my advice.

Learn how to say NO!

Statement #5 The words, I can’t do right when out loud they are spoken.

This is a beautiful statement, but it has nothing to do with you being an introvert. I find myself looking for words sometimes, but not because I can’t talk right, but because I take time trying to find the best way to express what I have to say.

If you have been bullied into thinking that you are too slow to use your words because you are an introvert, this is something you might want to start working on. Start to express yourself. Try to say it even though they are not listening.

We as introverts have a huge advantage over the rest of the world. We speak so little that when we do talk, everybody listens. Try it, you might like it! I am sure you have something HUGE to say.

Statement #6 I finally came up with a perfect reply, but now you are talking about something else.

I know sometimes I may seem a bit slow in a conversation, especially if I find myself trying to keep up with two or three extraverts! They would be chatting their way through the agenda, bouncing through topics left and right while I sitting back and look like I have nothing. What is going behind the scenes though is an intense mind work, creating links between events that seem to have nothing in common, considering how the decision would influence not only the immediate circle but everyone involved, and coming up with a solution that would make sense and work for everybody.

What I don’t like about this statement though, is that it talks about a PERFECT reply. The issue here is the perfectionism, not the introverted nature of someone. There are great ways to bring the conversation back where you want it to be.

“Can we get back to that topic we were on? I don’t feel like it was closed/covered enough and here is what I’d like to say.”

This is not a word for word that I would say, but close enough. Most extraverts follow this lead. It allows them to shine a bit more at the topic they were so brilliantly expressive at. You may be surprised how open they would be to your introspective (pun intended).

Here is my take on what the introvert is:

introvert empowered

Today I stumbled upon this expression.

“Commit to one random act of kindness”.

What does this even mean? When did it happen that a human being would need a nudge in the direction of committing themselves to making a random act of kindness?

Galatians 5:22-23New International Version (NIV)

22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

23 gentleness, and self-control. Against such things, there is no law.

Kindness is the fruit of the spirit. It is a result of something that had been planted into a heart before and has grown into fruition of acts of kindness. And love. And joy… and even self-control!

We cannot force a cucumber plant into growing tomato fruit. It doesn’t matter even if a cucumber decides to be a tomato… it is still a tomato. The part that would allow it to be something different is in the seed.

It is amazing to me how you will reap what you sew. It is always true about plants. It is not always true about people’s hearts.

If you are looking to reap kindness, love, joy, goodness, – then this is what needs to be sown. It needs to be sown into a well-prepared soil of your heart. It needs to be watered and fertilized.

Committing to a random act of kindness is as strange as expecting a sweet apple to grow on a jalapeno plant.

If random acts of kindness are what you want to do, start with your heart. Show yourself some love and acceptance. Show yourself that compassion. Start with being kind to yourself.

Matthew 22:39New International Version (NIV)

39 And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

If you cannot love yourself, no matter how committed you are to be kind and loving to others, you will burn out. You will feel frustrated, underappreciated, being never enough.

When your heart is filled with the good seeds, not weeds, it will overflow with goodness and compassion to others.

When you have compassion, the acts of kindness will happen. Regularly. Naturally. More and more often.

Your kindness will be there in how you show up for your family, your friends, your colleagues. Even strangers.

So instead of committing to a random act of kindness, let try to commit to consistently taking care of our own hearts so that they would keep growing an abundant harvest of love, and joy, and peace.

And kindness.

Fair WARNING: This post is a RAW and OPEN, if you are not upto it, don’t read it.

The entity came back. She could feel its sticky breath on her neck as it was whispering in her ear. You are worthless. You will never achieve anything. You cannot move. You are stuck here. With me.

Her eyes were filling up with tears as she stiffened her upper lip and again and again repeated in her mind, this is not true. This is not true. This is not true.

She couldn’t see its face, actually, she never saw it. It was just there. At night, right before she was going to sleep it would creep in and curl up on her pillow. She could feel it coming closer and closer to her ear. It was reading her mind, accessing what happened during the day and how it would strike.

It would remind her of the failures of the day. It reminded her what a loser she was last year and that nothing had changed. It reminded her that no matter of her choice, the likes of her are never successful.

You think you can achieve anything, you stupid slut! You are not smart. There are smart people in your class, you are not one of them.

You are not pretty. There are pretty girls in your class, they are all whores, and you are not of them, but you will be a whore when you grow up because the only thing you would know is how to be a whore.

Today was different. Today, she refused to stay in bed and listen. She tried to get up. The entity sprung its tentacles in a tight embrace and pulled her back in. The whisper was lulling although the words were terrible for anyone to hear. Too terrible for anyone to share. Too scary to be judged.

It kept lulling her into the world where she is no one and means nothing.

She closed her eyes and out of a sudden, she saw the light. And the voice, as clear as that light was, said, – Get up. You chose what you want you to be. Not him.

And she did. She got up. No tentacles around her. No sticky voice in her head.

It was morning, dull and gray and a bit damp. Her mother was still in the kitchen. She faced the refrigerator and her hand reached out to grab an egg, she had heard the familiar noise. The slithering and the whisper. She knew IT was there, right there, with her and her mom in the kitchen.

She looked at her mom and saw fear and disgust on her face. Her mother was familiar with the entity. Her mother had suffered, too.

She looked around. There he was. For the first time, she realized this sticky whisper had indeed a face.

It was her father. Reeking of the alcohol, bloodshot eyes and the mouth spitting out things no one should have to hear. Especially coming from your father. She saw his hand closed in a fist. She knew she had to stand up to him.

She grabbed the rolling pin that was left out on the kitchen table, swung it over her shoulder and shouted:

– Momma, step aside! Step aside, mom, now! – the words had turned to mush in her mouth.

– Mom! – the swollen tongue, the mouth full of cotton…

The sound of my husband peacefully snoring right next to me returned me to present and the reality. I was awake.

I never had to grab a rolling pin to protect myself from my father in the literal meaning. I did have to defend myself and my mind from his poison though.

In two weeks it is one year since he physically died. In my heart and my mind, he died a long time ago. Before he gave into heavy drinking, he was fun to be around. We tried to fight for him and help him. The more he drank the more violent he got. He threatened to burn down our apartment.  He threw a recliner at me. He cursed, shouted, threatened, manipulated. Anything and everything to keep in fear and under his control.

When mom finally found the way out, we all felt free. But we were not. So much was still not talked about. So many hurts need to be healed. Even now as I write this, it has been more than 15 years since I got completely from his direct influence and I still have conversations in my head trying to explain it to him.

Trying to get my dad to see what he had done to his own children. And, just as he did a few weeks before he died, he tells me he doesn’t remember it happen. I am too emotional. I am exaggerating.  

I find myself running on the same hamster wheel and then falling down the same rabbit hole.

This last nightmare was different. When I woke up I was able to pull myself out of the funk induced by it almost instantaneously. I had done a lot of mind and soul work to be able to fall back asleep in the next few minutes and not be influenced by it the next day.

He is dead and he still is trying to push me into that same hole. Not this time. Not anymore.

This is my life. This is my reality. This is my truth.

I refuse to be running in a hamster wheel. I will not fall down that rabbit hole again.

I am in control. And THAT was just a dream.

I truly dislike being in group photos. No, really. I don’t mind the idea of people getting together to take a picture and document an event. I am all for creating special moments and memories.

Being 6 feet tall, I am always tucked in the very back row with people standing right in front of me. So I end up looking for that window between people’s necks. And then, while the picture is being taken, you decide to flip your hair and change your angle. Guess what? That tall girl right behind you? She didn’t have time to adjust to your movement and now all the picture shows are her ear and some hair.

It is not that bad, honestly. I have always been tall and coming to my 40th birthday one would think I should get used to this and adapt. And I have for the most part.

Then there are days like today when I wear something cute or different and I really wanted to be seen.  And when out of ten people, two squat in the front row and the rest kind of semi-circle around them, and you are told to get in back… probably not in the most polite way, which has triggered this post. No, seriously, I know there are ways to take that same picture with tall people in it, not behind it.

This whole thing brought up so many emotions and conversations!

“I wish I were as tall as you are!”

“I always wanted to be tall!”

“I envy you because you are tall.”

Let me take you through a tall girl’s life. Disclaimer, I am also a bit on the hefty side, so, yeah…

I don’t shop Target for clothes at all. Or Walmart. Or any other more or less affordable retailer. It just isn’t cut for taller girls. The inseams are too short and the waistline ends up being right under my chest line. The underarms are also tight and the sleeves are always too short. Bargain shopping at Target is out of the question.

Most retailers don’t carry tall size on the floor. I have to order it online and pay the shipping to just try it on.

Shoes. Did you know that most of the cute shoe sizes don’t go over size 10? And the ones that do, would usually have a 10-inch heel? I am already 6 feet tall, I really don’t need another 10 inches added to this!

I can’t tell you how many times I had hit my head on some sort of an overhang that no one thought of marking or painting a brighter color. You are supposed to walk underneath, just like everyone else does, right?

Low riding cars are not very comfortable unless you are into riding with your knees right up by your ears. And I am not.

Airplane trips are joyous. Especially when the person in front you reclines all the way back and goes straight to sleep. There is just not any room for me.

The low counters and sinks add to my grief, but to be fair, it has gotten a lot better over the last couple years. Maybe it’s just the area where I live.

I am always stuck in the back in group pictures. My face is usually out of focus or in the dark.

People assume that since I am tall, I am also stronger than the average person. Guess who’s doing the heavy lifting?

The back and knee issues started very early in my life. Talk to any tall person, they will tell you it is a common problem.

I have no problem with my body image, in fact, I love my body. I love the curves and how it can move along the music. I love how my husband looks at me and how my body makes him feel. And I totally adore the moments my boys would look me in the eye and say, “You are so pretty, Mama!”  And normally, I would not have any problem being in the back row for a picture.

So, please, do not mistake this post for an “I wish I had a different body” type of thing. I don’t.

I wish people would see my challenges and demonstrate a little bit of grace by asking if I would like to be in the back row instead of just pointing me to my place.

7.00 am – This is going to be a great day. So much to do and I have a whole day in front of me.

10.00 am – Where did the morning go? I wish I had more time! Ok, so, first I need to pick up the papers on my desk…

12.00 pm – Oh, dear, about lunchtime… what is for lunch? I should ask people on Facebook.

2.00 pm – Where did the time go? I still haven’t had lunch, got sucked into Facebook… oh, gosh, now I’ll never get anything done! And I’m so hungry!

5.00 pm – SO frustrating… why can’t I ever get anything done?

Sounds familiar? Me, too. We all fall victims to procrastination. Some of us more than others. Some of us pretend they are not procrastinating. They are working on other important tasks. Like organizing paperwork in the drawer or washing all the coffee mugs in the lounge. Somebody has to do it, right?

Only when at the end of the day you start to get this sucking feeling in your stomach that you understand you had wasted yet another day and hadn’t achieved any of those bright and shiny goals you talked so passionately about at the last accountability meeting.

We sit at the desk, helplessly staring at your to-do list that is silently staring back.

The stress builds up, the anxiety kicks in.

We reach for that candy bar or a drink… whatever we fancy.

We avoid having to solve this problem. We avoid it because we are AFRAID.

Fear is something that triggers certain brain patterns. Everybody heard the expression, Fight or Flight. In a dangerous situation, our brain chooses one of the three:

• Freeze;
• Scream;
• Fight back.

It is a completely normal natural reaction: play possum, roar back, or show your claws.

The question is, what are YOU afraid of? There are so many things that can hold us back. Fear of failure, fear of success. Fear of not being understood. Fear that “today they will all see I am nothing special” or “I am no expert”, or “I am just an impostor”.

Whichever fear you are dealing with, know this.

There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment… – ‎1 John 4:17

And we punish ourselves with stress, anxiety, guilt, loss of sleep and loss of profit. For, yes,

All hard work brings a profit, but mere talk leads only to poverty. – Proverbs 14:23

What can we do to help ourselves get over the fear?

Try to apply the when/then rule.

It goes like this:

When I get this done, then I will see what others think about my work.

When I am being praised, then I will accept it graciously.

When I am being criticized, then I will take the constructive part of it and use it to help myself become better.

When I feel I am being pulled into a conversation I don’t want to be a part of, then I will excuse myself and go for a quick walk (use the bathroom, get on an urgent phone call, etc.)

Knowing there is a way out other than freeze,  scream, or fight, allows you to be prepared with a plan.

Fear usually has everything to do with the unknown. Having a plan takes the unknown factor away. If there is nothing to be afraid of – you can do this!

What would your when/then be for tomorrow? I would love to see it in your comments!